Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Today's confessions

~confessions, reflections, tidbits, something.

~I love that at any given time I know that there are at least 2 places I can go for support and coffee (aren't they one and the same?)
~I really really really really want a Pepsi.  But I'm not having one.  This week marks 6 months since I had one.  Yes six. MONTHS.   Really.  I think at this point it is as much out of stubbornness as anything else that keeps this resolve strong.
~when I hear the words sea lions the voice in my head always says 'sea tigers' or 'see tigers'.  (something I get from my son, as his 2 year old self)
~I so want to go dancing this weekend but my vacation is with Julie, and Kym who don't like to dance, so I'm wondering how fond they'll be of the idea of going anyway.  I NEED to dance.  Now.
~purple is the color I think I might put back in my hair, I quite liked it when it was there before
~my friend Carey hit too close to home the other day when she said that I can't take care of everyone.  What to do with that bit of knowledge?
~the snow is my enemy, but I'd rather not have enemies
~I'm realizing I can understand (kind of) decisions someone made that changed my life but liking it or forgiving is a little harder
~Save Me, San Fransisco is speaking to me about another time but also about this time, all time, timeless as far as certain connection goes
~embracing the idea of "beginner's mind" is not as easy as I want it to be but each little bit closer I come is soooooooooo liberating!
~even though I know I'm a pretty good mom it still stings when my kid says I'm the worst
~even though I make plenty of parenting mistakes it still feels pretty fabulous when my kid says I'm the best
~when I look in the mirror I'm surprised by what is in my eyes, and not surprised at all
~I've realized and accepted that my path to 'me' to being a healthy stable 'grown up' has been perhaps longer than that of the average person.  But thats ok, everyone is on their own unique path right?
~I've realized and accepted that a big part of my fear in the past was that someone did know me better than I knew me.  Silly fear because really it was a blessing.
~I love that my walls are full of art that my son drew of him riding bulls.  I still miss when they were full of his drawings of Godzilla though
~I've burnt a few of my journals with the idea of 'letting go'.  Now I'm wishing I'd just kept them
~the reason I am keeping the dogs is much more about them being a great love of Spencer's life and stable in his life than my actually being crazy fond of them
~I get honestly emotional and upset when I remember Rita is dead.  Just a show just a show, I know.
~I'm looking at where my life is supposed to go, and what lessons I'm supposed to learn from the journey.  And realizing that I'm not as much of an old soul as I thought because there seem to be soooo  very many of those lessons I have to learn


Yvonne said...

I am in absolute AWE of you honesty! I wish I would dare to do something like this on my own blog; eventhough I know I don't have a huge audience, I just can't (yet?)! Some of the things you say resound deeply!

& you mean DEXTER'S Rita?! Dang, we're behind & I so didn't want to know yet ;-)

Dena Moon Clinger said...

Oh, thanks Yvonne! I don't have a big audience either but writing is freeing for me.
I'm so sorry about the Dexter hint.....I would have been so upset to find something like that. Pretend it wasn't about Dexter....)

Yvonne said...

You did see the *;-) wink*, right? I mean, in the grand scheme of things and considering the little earthquakes Inside Out is causing, the Dexter-spoiler is peanuts, really :-)