Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Life isn't waiting for me to catch up!

There is no method to my photo, it is just an old one that I like, as I have not uploaded anything from my camera to computer the past few days.  Look how cute my almost 2 year old was?  I wanna squeeze him!

This post may get a little 'rambly'.  There is a lot getting sorted in my head and I think some of it may fall out here.  Corie, this is your warning, this may get too long to read, I understand:)

So, between the e-course I'm taking, a movie I watched last week and a couple of other things I've realized some things about me, about my life.  Breaking out of self destructive behavior patterns is so wonderful.  Figuring out what they are and why they happen and then deciding NOT to do them anymore has made me feel a little powerful.  (I won't get into details about my self destructive behavior, but if you know me I'm sure you can make an accurate diagnosis:)  My life is mine, this is the only chance I'm going to have to live it.  Here is a great quote someone shared with me this week:

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”

Mary Oliver

Keyword that spoke to me: One.  I tend to 'get by' instead of really live.  What am I waiting for?  For some reason I put things off, thinking I can do the good stuff later.  The good things, the life I really want, the life I'd love can wait until later has been my way of thinking but now I realize my reasons for that just aren't healthy.  I've hidden behind "doing it for someone else" but not for me.  I've ended up hurting not only me, but others around me in the process of trying to live a life I "should" live instead of one that really fits and is meaningful.

This brings me to the movie I watched last week.  The movie is Smart People; Dennis Quaid, Sarah Jessica Parker, good movie, I'd say it is worth watching.  Dennis Quaid's character says to his daughter something along the lines of he doesn't think she is happy.  She responds by telling him that he isn't happy...and that he is her role model.  That really hit home for me.  By choosing to 'get by' instead of really live my life what is that showing Spencer?  He is going to learn by watching the grown-ups in his life and I don't want him for a moment to think it is ok to not be happy, to not follow his every dream, to settle for a life that is just 'ok' instead of a life he loves.  I also don't want him to see me letting myself be unhappy or unmotivated.  I want him to know that taking care of himself and being himself is absolutely the way he should live.  

On that note, I've come to realize all this and see what and where my life needs to change.  Now I just need to decide what changes exactly need to be made to get there.  Then be brave enough to make them.

1 comment:

Texas Flanagan's said...

That was very inspiring Dena! I can relate to what you are saying.