Sunday, October 17, 2010

Lucky to be the mommy


So much is going on in my head right now.  And my heart. 
I am stunned that time is passing so quickly and that in less than 3 months, in my arms, there will be this new little boy.  I am so enjoying him right where he is, these months of feeling him grow and move have been a favorite.   I am just as stunned that he will really be here, that he really is still here, as by anything else.  As I think about it I realize that as excited and happy as I was to find out I was pregnant this time I was at the same time expecting the same heartbreak that has happened with the last few pregnancies.  I didn't really think he'd stay long enough that I could have these wonderful long bathtimes watching him transform the shape of my belly as he pushes and rolls around, nights of finding falling asleep far off because I'm 'listening' to all these little movements inside of me, I didn't expect him to stay long enough that I'd see pictures like these, or find out he is a he.  I of course want him here, I just realize I didn't believe in the kind of luck or miracle that would make it so.  I, somewhere in my heart, had tried to be ready to let go too soon, again.  I had tried to enjoy every second of growing this baby inside me, thinking it would end so soon. 
And now, at almost 29 weeks, I'm able to see relief, gratitude, excitement and joy that he'll really be here, even if something crazy happened and he came today, the chances of him being OK with some modern medical help are oh so good.
I'm still focused on enjoying every second of it, being as present as possible. As I've said before, this part, where I am holding and feeling him, but not yet having to share him, is pretty wonderful.  
To me his movements are telling a whole story, one that takes up much of my attention and intention, one that is enthralling.  I find that when I try to share it, in taking his dad's hand and placing it where I feel this child moving, that dad is only getting a few words.  A little amazing and loved all the same, but not the whole story.  And I realize that I am so lucky to be the mom.

7 comments:

Kelly Dahl said...

Beautifully written! So happy for you. Enjoy every moment.

Dena Moon Clinger said...

Thank you Kelly!

Teresa said...

Very beautifully written. I'm happy that you get to experience that miracle. And I am happy that this little guy has stayed with you. Those last times were so hard and I rememeber them all too clearly, as I know you do too. I am happy that you are able to enjoy this beautiful miracle. :)

Dena Moon Clinger said...

Thank you Teresa, and thank you for being there for me through all of it!

Yvonne said...

Hey Dena, congratulations on your pregnancy!! I only just found out through a quick look at the I/O FB page, and I'm so happy for you :) it sounds like you've had a tough time before (I recently miscarried, myself, and it's heartbreaking...) so it's -possibly?- even more wonderful - enjoy that baby inside :)
xox!

Nicole said...

Yayyy!! A boy how exciting !! congrats and keep savoring every second... soon you will have to share him. :)

johnsoncircus said...

So very happy for you!!!!